Limits of Relational Youth Ministry

This is the most painful lesson I had to learn in youth ministry!  It took years, and many students walking away from faith, for me to get it!

What does it take to get something through your head?

I am a highly relational person.  When I meet someone, I’m driven to find out who they are.  Not just their name.  I want to know what they love, what they hate, and what defines their life.  I feel uncomfortable until I can make a connection.

This drive has served me well.  But, it has also lead to some of my biggest mistakes in ministry.

In my first several years of ministry, I thought that simply loving God and loving students was enough.  I reasoned that students would naturally develop a passion for God by being close to me.  But, that spiritual osmosis – students coming to love what I loved – didn’t always happen.  I learned the hard way, relational proximity does not equate to spiritual growth.

Truth about the LIMITS of relational ministry:

• It’s not enough for students to know you love them
• Your friendship will not always hold great value to students
• Students don’t need you, they need Jesus

It takes more than just relationships.  A healthy relational youth ministry requires:

• Intentionality
• A plan
• A end goal
• A mission to invite students into
• Training on how to understand God’s word
• A consistent and unwavering focus on the Gospel

We must be relational in our ministry.  Students must know we care.  Community must be developed.  But, never let relationship be the end goal.  Relational student ministry must use relationships as a tool to invite students into the God’s bigger story.

Parent-to-Student – Relational Youth Ministry

What’s a parent’s role in student ministry?  It’s been a topic of debate since student ministry began.  Many student pastors simply want parents to get out of the way – thinking student ministry should be left to the professionals.

And some parents are happy to oblige.

Let’s think about this critically.  At best, a student pastor gets 50 Sundays a year for 7 years.  But, the typical parent has 365 days a year for 18 years.  When it comes to influence, a student pastor just can’t compete.  So, why would we?

Most of us don’t make a conscious effort to ignore parents.  We’re just arrogant enough to not think it’s important!  (Ouch!)

So, what should you do?

First Step: Understanding a parent’s perspective

Most parents of teens are a little unsure of what to do.  This child who used to love and adore them is now his own person.  He once thought they were superheroes.  Now, they embarrass him.

Second Step: Know what’s different

Since a child gets his identity from his parents, they are able to leverage influence directly.   During adolescence, teens change where they find their identity.  Parents must also change how they influence.  It’s the difference between saying “Come follow me” and “Go ahead, I’ll watch from here.”  It takes much more patience and tact.

Third Step: Pray for parents

Okay … this should probably be step one.  What parent can you pray for right now?  No need for me to tell you how.  So, do it!

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Adult-to-Student – Relational Youth Ministry (3 of 5)

There is no real place for chaperones in student ministry.  I should clarify to make sure there’s no confusion.  Any student ministry that is reliant on chaperones will fail before it even starts.

Before anyone freaks out and think I’ve lost it, let me throw out some terms that we use and how I define them:

• Volunteer: Offers to work for no pay.
• Helper: Assists in the work someone else does.
• Volunteered: Asked to work for no pay.  ;- )
• Chaperone: Shows up to make sure nothing bad happens.
• Leader: Going somewhere while others follow you.

There’s no biblical root for a person to simply show up and monitor what happens. All Christians are called to grow closer to God and take others along on the journey.  (Matthew 28:16)

Don’t settle for asking adults to just show up and watch you do ministry.  Go for the big ask.  Ask them to join God in the life change that He is doing.  Ask them to take a chance, to get deeply involved in the life of students.

This is harder.  You are asking them to give up more.  But, it’s worth it.  People who are worth having on your team want to be part of something that matters.

Asking people to simply show up, to just watch kids, is easier.  When you find yourself constantly with chaperones and not leaders, think on these questions:

• Why does what you do matter?
• What will make quality leaders want to invest in your ministry?
• Do you truly believe God can use the people in your church?

What do you think?  Why do most of us settle for chaperones?  Or, do you totally disagree?  I want to hear from you.  Let’s talk.

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Peer-to-Peer – Relational Youth Ministry (2 of 5)

“Teenagers are too immature to do ministry; they need to grow up first!”  Most of us wouldn’t verbalize this, but we say it by the way we do ministry.  Why do we expect students to start doing ministry after graduation when they never did it while in our program?

I could go on about WHY this is important, but the real question is “HOW do we best utilize students in ministering NOW?”

Let’s face it: students are best reached by students.  That means peer-to-peer ministry isn’t something that teens need to do, but something they must do. 

A teen’s developmental and social stage allows her an unique opportunity to impact her peers.

Up to this point her identity has been based on her parents.  But now, as a teenager, she’s attempting to determine her identity apart from her existing family unity.  She now associates who she is more by her peer group than her family.

Each student is impacted by the identity of their peer group.  This impacts small decisions like music and clothing all the way to larger issues like morality.  More importantly, an individual student can impact the identity of other students by changing the identity of their peer group.

Students have more power to relationally influence their peers than any other age group.  And they need to know it.  Invite a student to be part of a mission bigger than herself and she will be a missionary for life.  How are you going to inform students?  What student will you challenge?

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What Is It? – Relational Youth Ministry (1 of 5)

Most of us who work with youth are relational by nature.  So, why do I want to spend time talking about relational youth ministry?  The thing is, I’m going a little deeper.  Naturally, we know to be relationally connected to our students.  But I want to ask the hard questions, like:

• How do a youth pastor’s and volunteer’s relational roles look different?
• Does a parent have a role in relational youth ministry?
• How should we leverage peer dynamics?
• What are the limits of a relational youth ministry?

Before we dive in, let me explain what I mean by relational youth ministry.  It can be visualized by moving students from chairs in straight rows to chairs in circles.  Traditionally in ministry, we put a student in a row so that he can watch us do skits to make him laugh, play songs to let him worship, and teach so he can learn about God.  But, what if that wasn’t the focus?

It’s not enough to be relational people who use a traditional model!  A relational youth ministry seeks to move each student into circles where he can interact, not with a figure on stage, but with real people.  People who care about him and who he cares about.  Every student is searching for her own identity, and she is highly skilled at detecting inauthenticity.  A consistent group of people, opposed to a distant figure on a stage, has more leverage in her life.  Relationship is the medium through which life change is able to happen.

Throughout April, I’ll be writing on this topic.  But, don’t wait for my next article.  What can you do in your context, now, to start moving students to circles?

Agree? Don’t agree? Have a question? Write a comment.  Let me know.

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